Bachie Recap Ep 5 – It’s ninja flipping warrior all over again

For some reason we are still talking about Cobie and the non kiss issue. It’s not a thing team. Why are we talking about it. It was weird at the time and its weird now. Much drama is promised this Ep Channel 10. You better come through.

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I’ll hold you to the promise of drama Channel 10

Hallelujah Osh is alive and has new specs #bettergotospecsavers.

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It’s serious Osher in glasses…and this photo explains so much about his new do

For some reason there are more dark spirits. I am unsure why Channel 10 think that dark spirits are a winner. We don’t like them dude. We all drank them to be cool in high school at that year 10 party and now want to vomit when we smell them. I think there must be some sneaky sponsorship deal here. Or the almost redundant Channel 10 staff have turned to hard liquor.

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Standard cryptic clue – except it isn’t cryptic at all. Flo’s soft porn pays off. Go Flo. You are my new fave. Osh then mentions the ‘Dutch’ about 50 times. Dutch courage, Dutch, Dutch – we get it. Flo is DUTCH. I half expect them to put her in a girdle and clogs. We’re with you Jen #TeamJen. Matty stares into the distance and says there is a funny side to Flo he hasn’t seen before. That’s because you don’t know her Matty J. You. don’t. know. her. But she’s hot and that’s the most important thing.

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Dutch, Dutch, Dutch, Dutch and more DUTCH

Matty J takes her to a rooftop. There is clearly a large crane with restraints there but everyone pretends not to see this. Apparently they are jumping off the roof. Flo ain’t down with this Matty J. Flo looks terrified. Is this Saw or a date? Everyone ‘wants to do it one day’ apparently. Hang on are we talking about sex or the suicidal building date? This is a lie. No one wants to jump off a building Flo. We choose life Channel 10. We choose life.

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Thanks but no thanks Channel 10

Matty J is enthusiastic and tries to sell it as memorable and a ‘we are in this together’ moment. Ummmm it isn’t meant to be a warzone Matty. Florence is hilarious talking to herself – “run away you stupid bitch and go back to Melbourne and live your life”. She is the greatest – #flo4lyfe.

Channel 10 obvs turns cameras off and talks them into it. Matty continues to say odd things like maybe this is too much too soon – UM jumping off a building is officially always too soon. I’m not sure if that is a 5 date minimum or fucking NEVER. In case anyone is wondering for me personally – it’s fucking never. Do not suggest/buy/surprise me with this particular brand of torture.

Actually I’ve just seen the appeal. Flo is pretty much in bondage gear – Matty Matty Matty. You could have just asked – after that teacher gig we know she’d go for it.

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Matty wants to se another side to Flo…

Hang on they jump but this isn’t a freefall!!! WTF they are pretty much just lowered down on a fishing line. This is weird. They could have bought a mop and cleaned the windows on their way down.

Flo claims it was an awesome date. I am skeptical. I can think of cooler things. Like wine. Still it could have been Cobie’s date…

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Jump to girl scout boot camp. Cobie and Laura and a random blonde working out casually. Cobie is wearing crop top – unclear why. We all know no one actually works out in just a crop top and Matty J isn’t here so its even more confusing.

Anyway Cobie is hurt Matty is dating other people. She needs to talk about this. WTF Cobie. Pretty sure this was the deal when you signed up. WHY ARE YOU CRYING!? Sigh.

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Matty’s next activity for Flo – craft time! Making a cast of their hands. Flo being the hilarious boss that she is calls it – this is weird dude. Even weirder is that it is facilitated craft. There is a random woman telling them how to craft. I think Channel 10 gave Osher a discount voucher to Spotlight and he is making that credit last…

Now for the couch of intensity. Matty J asks the all important question where do you want to live Flo (we feel the Georgia hang-ups here Matty J – I thought you were over her?)

Hang on they kiss and it is an epic movie kiss. Her foot would have popped. Then girl boss Flo kisses him back. Ok FRONTRUNNER team. Front-fucking-runner.

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Oh NO its raining in paradise. Girl scout club in full swing. Flo does the standard recap of solo date. Cobie looks pissed. The Plaster of Paris cast of Flo and Matty J’s hands is as weird as it sounds. Frozen face for Cobie. Like frozen. Elora blue balls (we had forgotten about her!) is back and she is devo about not kissing him on her date. Shame Elora.

Oshie comes in and announces NO group date!!!! WHAT. No craft time Oshie? Did you run out of credit at Spotlight? Instead it’s a face off date. Liz (that dress is PEWtrid) is going on the date of death. As is does Jen #TeamJen. Ok so now we get it. Matty J didn’t pick this date – producers pick! Woop woop this should be good.

Liz says it isn’t a negative to be on the date of death. Hmm ok Liz. We believe you.

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You love the date of death Liz? Sure. Sure.

This date is an awkward threesome. Not the one of Matty J’s dreams (Flo is on that one along with Princess Kate (aka Laura)). This is more an awkward job interview panel. Matty J asks each of them to point out each other’s flaws. Liz says she is considered the bad person for saying what everyone is thinking (‘that dress is PEWtrid?). Liz don’t dig your own grave. It’s like you’re in a race with Usain Bolt and you just gave him a head start and put your running shoes on the wrong feet. Jen orgasms – this is the best thing that has ever happened…

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Jen talks about babies – wow Jen early days dude. BUT Jen gets the happy background music. Jen is killing it on intensity couch time. Jen is a dark horse. She isn’t going home. You know who is? Liz. Even Matty says it’s a slow start – which is saying a lot when he has spent all of 10 minutes with her. Slow almost stationary. Intensity couch is cray cray tonight kids.

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I can barely handle the couch of intensity

Matty J cuts straight to the good stuff – do you want kids Liz. Liz freaks the fuck out. There is a lot of awkward silences here. Liz takes the gun and shoots herself 9 times in the face. Jen’s got this in the bag baby. Jen I apologize – the baby talk was genius. Bye Liz.

Liz chucks a few barbs on the way out – Jen is a performing seal apparently keen to show the best version of herself. I’m confused is that a bad thing? Jen’s victory dance is everything – “Matty likes sensitive me”.

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Matty likes ME.

Girl scouts aren’t happy for Jen. Jen’s review of the date is great. She gets to restate all the things Matty loves about her publically. The girl scout cookies must have run out when she was away because they are all pissed. No cookies for you Jen.

Cocktail party – aka shit gets real.

Kate Middleton aka Laura gets to have a private chat. Cobie still has a frozen face. As does blue balls Elora. Can someone give these girls some “electric toothbrushes” or “hand massagers”.

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Sian with the nose ring is pissed about Laura getting one on one time and a rose. Obviously it’s a big deal as we don’t even get shown the secret garden – or maybe Laura was showing Matty J her secret garden and we have to wait for Big Brother After Hours to see that.

I get it now. Sian hit the dark spirits hard, and early – I told you it was a mistake Channel 10 – scotch never makes you happy flirty drunk. It makes you ANGRY. Sian is doubting the process. Look we love Bachie but I’m not going to defend the process. God what have you done… the wheels are falling off.

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It’s anarchy!!!!

Kids this isn’t normal. We even get to spy a producer in a check shirt. What the hell Channel 10! This is meant to feel real. I don’t watch reality TV to see reality. I want fucking fairy lights, candles and unicorns. Not someone in leopard print active wear chatting to a crying girl in a toilet. If I wanted that I could have gone out on Saturday night at 2am and headed to the bathrooms at any club in Australia.

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Every Saturday at 2am in a club toilet…

Hang on – maybe this is a survivor power play by Sian! She gets to talk to Matty. Pretends to almost leave but then wants to stay – apparently. Matty doesn’t see potential with Sian – that is because she is CRAZY man. The eyes are intense. The awkward thing is she was going home before the crying. Now it’s real hard for Matty. Real hard. How can you send the crying girl home?

Rose ceremony – nothing exciting is happening but the music is INTENSE. What is going on.? Matty J has paused mid rose ceremony… its awkward – maybe this is about the be a Sian induced massacre and he is sending all the randoms home? DO IT MATTY J. I believe in you!

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Annnnnd – fade to black – to be continued. WHAT THE HELL CHANNEL 10. Osher it is your job to keep this shit moving. This is the worst finish since Ninja Warrior (PS Australia does not have a Ninja Warrior – that makes no sense.)

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Now lets assess… what Channel 10 wants us to think? Mass drama tomorrow… what it really means? There is some boring shit going down tomorrow if they had to extend this overnight…. Till tomorrow bitches.

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The Volte Squad xNinja Warrior

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