The Volte Bachie Recap Ep 4 – Osher is missing

The big question. Is Osher dead?

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This ep starts with a bang and we are straight into single date territory. Which is weird – where is Osher? Distributing dates and creating love is his ONLY job unless Aus Idol is getting a reboot? I think I just saw Shannon Noll…

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That’s some nice ink and we almost forgot about your facial hair commonly referred to as Shannon Mole.

We’ll have to wait to check on Osher’s health. Stay tuned…

While Osher fights for his life Matty rides in on a horse which sounds cool in theory but in reality is a bit weird. Mainly because of Safety Sam’s OSH input which is a brown helmet. Not attractive. Cobie pretends to be excited about the horse – there is only one horse she wants to ride on this date Matty J…

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Cobie giggles. Cobie laughs. Cobie twirls her hair, Cobie tries to be sweet. Yawn. This is so boring. Can we have a single date that doesn’t involve pretty much sitting on transport? Whats next Osh – a train ride to Penrith?

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Cobie’s moods – she’s happy, super happy and happy-isa

Girl scouts discuss Cobie’s single date. They pretend to care. No one is worried – Cobie isn’t a contender #friendzone at best.

Now for serious chats Cobie. No giggling. The candle budget is relatively good on quantity but I am pretty sure eye spy the bulk pack of multi-coloured tea light candle holders from Ikea. Cobie gets the ‘serious’ memo. Be vulnerable. Justify your dating past. She sits awkwardly on the couch and drinks straight whiskey. YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES. No one likes straight whiskey Cobie, especially you.

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No one likes straight whisky Cobie. No one.

Back up something is going down. HOLY FUCK SHE HAS A POEM. Why Cobie. Why.

Hang on this doesn’t rhyme? It isn’t even an acrostic. Cobie you might sell this as a heartfelt modern poem but we know you wrote it in the toilet after realizing the horseriding wasn’t going well even after the wet t-shirt trick during the horsey rubdown sesh.

Matty J now has to deal with the poem situ. Gives Cobie a rose as compensation – awkward kissing. Enjoy it while it lasts Cobie.

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A poem? WTF?

Budget group date time – everyone wins. Glory be Osh is alive. Thank the heavens he’s just been busy. He went to spotlight with his $50 budget and spent all night crafting. Paper mache is brutal. Bachie the board game is the result – nice work Osh. We know you are trying hard. We feel your pain.

The line of crystal glasses tells us what is really going on – Osher spent most of the budget on Passion Pop. We are getting drunk people. Daytime drunk – the messiest best drama inducing kind of drunk.

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Daytime drinking – this won’t end badly.

Simone gets the opportunity to smash Leah in the face with pie early on. Ah Mazing. Bizarrely she picks Liz – who clearly everyone hates – apparently she doesn’t smile. Leah was already tying her hair up – seems disappointed – Simone is clearly has missed the memo that this show is about girl drama. Jen loves this shit. Its her jam. She spends her whole time heckling.

Cobie wins a choice between a kiss and some other bullshit. Picks the other bullshit. Cobie regrets not picking the kiss. Whatever Cobie. Cobie is worried about this regret. She does not like regret. Cool story bro – no one cares.

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Cobie if you get a chance to kiss the guy…you kiss the guy.

Cocktail party time. This should be epic given the level of pre-game drinkies at the group drinking game. Cobie remains worried about not picking the kiss with Matty J. Yawn.

Florence steals Matty J and the show – it’s going to a weird place. Flo dresses him as a school boy and is the sexy teacher. It’s a school boys wet dream and borderline soft porn. It is also Matty J’s wet dream. He needs to remain sitting. Flo you needed to give him a school book or some clogs to cover his crotch. Flo teaches him Dutch. It’s hilarious. And genius. She is my new fave.

Simone comes in and has about 3 seconds before Cobie comes to ‘borrow’ Matty J. Simone is pissed – she had only just got to showing Matty J her hands shaking – she needed at least another 3 minutes to get to full awkward status.

Jen is outraged at Cobie’s behaviour. The SHAME. Leah and Jen pull full girl sisterhood. Leah goes to get Matty J back for the sisterhood. Because we know from her prior actions she is all about the sisterhood. Cobie maintains possession. Matty J just looks awkward.

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Jen and Leah are all our girl loyalty Cobie – All about it.

Everyone hates Cobie which is confusing as we have already cast her as the adorable cute friend. Jen and Leah are the bitches. Cobie doesn’t know her place. Much confusion. Jen and Leah are very upset Cobie thinks she can be the bitch. That’s Jen and Leah’s role. You should have auditioned for that role Cobie. Bitches don’t giggle.

Cobie returns Matty J. Bad call Cobie. Crickets.

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Rose ceremony. Nothing happens someone we don’t know goes home. I think she is a love coach? It seems an odd job… I’m still not convinced Osher isn’t returning to a reboot of Idol on Channel 9…until next time remember…

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As Jen & Leah say…

Shop Bachie inspired looks at The Volte.

The Volte Squad x

 

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